My mind is racing. November 18th, 2022.

 Feeling like my mind is racing today, executor duties, and so I’m busy. Washed my hair and let it air dry overnight, low and slow process that actually makes my hair look like it’s healthy and full of life in the morning. Feel like I need to do this more often however the days are long and I don’t have a lot of time.

I’m doing neutrally-ok these days. Still not much feeling-emotion, the anxiety, racing thoughts, active imagination, and worry remain, mostly.. I did have a moment a few days ago where I thought I could cry, however a single tear that welted up and didn’t go anywhere happened instead. The heart racing and anxiety, still present.

Yesterday was the last evening of one of my weekly grief groups. I was reminded that it has been 10 weeks since the group first began. Being that I missed the first night due to my mother’s memorial, it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that 10 weeks ago I said goodbye graveside to my mother.

After the memorial I began to lose my ability to focus, even more than usual. I had a difficult time accomplishing even the most simple of tasks and eventually, my world felt like it was swept up with emotions that I couldn’t manage on my own.

After two straight years of losses and life-struggles, my mind had enough and it sent me spiraling out of control. I am still looking for a psychiatrist to help properly diagnose what could be causing me to feel the way I do, and then adjust my medication as needed. I also want to find another professional to talk to, as I have a lifetime of grief to work through.

The hardest thing for me recently has been putting on a mask in front of others and pushing myself socially. By a mask I mean forced smiles, any laughter, and long conversations. I feel like an emotional zombie, vacant of feelings and any ability to express them. Even sadness or joy I’m unable to express properly. I felt absolutely horrible yesterday when I couldn’t even shed a tear while others spoke about their lost loved ones and cried while talking about them.

I plan to keep journaling, writing down what I’m experiencing has been therapeutic. And with that is hope, the one constant in my life. Reason why I created this page two years ago when I was expecting my baby girl.

It’s been a long road, a winding, twisted journey, a roller coaster filled with a long hike up and a huge free fall down. However this is not the end, this is only a chapter in the book of my life. For now I remain, holding onto hope.