My brain telling me to worry. October 29th, 2022.

 I know it’s just my brain telling me to worry, when I actually shouldn’t, however putting yourself out there for all to hear and see how you’re doing, is full of emotion.

Will people gossip about you? People you don’t know approach you and ask with concern, “how are you feeling?” or ask personal questions about you and you didn’t talk to them directly. Social media makes privacy more a thing of the past, especially when you put it out there publicly for all to see.

There is a lot of trust happening right now when I share with others, and believe it or not, it’s come back to bite me in the past, so perhaps you can understand my feelings to be cautious.

It’s like I’ve been hardwired my entire life to seek approval, not feeling worthy enough, judgement from others is taken more personally as I haven’t handled criticisms well. Better in the present than in the past. Those feelings tell me it’s anxiety…

I know I’m worthy and I’m not going anywhere, which is why I’m talking about how I feel and what’s on my mind.

Believe it or not, you don’t need to worry about reminding me that I need to stick around for my son and our family. I very much want to be here as I have a lot of living to do. I have big dreams too.

Still waiting on a call to see someone for a diagnosis and to make sure whatever aid that I take helps me properly.

It’s like after my last infertility support meeting I had a moment of enlightenment, understanding that I probably have been experiencing PTSD my entire life due to a rough first decade. Fear based strength or survival-mode, my body has been a fight or flight mode which is probably what brought on my fibromyalgia later in life.

And PTSD, because after the losses of very important people in my life, traumatic events forever in my brain and what caused me to forget a lot of my life.

Anxious about what the present or even future holds because until I have things feeling more back to normal, my brain is flared up and causing me to think things that are irrational or overthinking. My overthinking has been in overdrive the last several weeks.

I have gone to several support groups this last month and it’s helped me see how much support I need and what I’ve been ignoring by going through the motions the last year, after the death of multiple family members.

Anyhow, this is a lot for me this morning and I grow tired of reading and writing. Something that many who grief after death have a problem doing, staying focused.

Hopefully I will continue to have the strength to write and be brave enough to share with everyone. This has been an eye opening experience. Holding onto hope and looking forward to the day I feel like me again.