Thoughts of an Angel Mommy, Chapter Four

  Something to think about for the day. I’ve said enough goodbyes in my lifetime to understand the truth of this. From the Facebook Page, The Institute for the Study of Birth, Breath, and Death.  " The Institute for the Study of Birth, Breath, and Death January 28, 2020    ·  "When death is inevitable, the way of dying is important." Amen."

  One of the most important things we can do, is support one another. Sharing something that Sia Cooper shared on her Facebook Page. I really appreciated reading this. " Sia Cooper   January 18 at 5:41 PM    ·  Full on. Full out. Full force. This photo was taken last night at the Golden Globes when Michelle Yeoh won Best Actress for her role in "Everything Everywhere All at Once.” Look at Jamie Lee Curtis. Look. At. Her. You can feel her energy, her fire, her power. Her excitement, joy and passion for Michelle is palpable. The photo moves. It vibrates. If you saw this photo without context, you may think that it was actually *Jamie* who won. Ladies, this is your vibe for 2023. Hype. Other. Women. When she wins, fight the urge to question… …who does she think she is? …why is she getting attention? …did she really deserve it? …is she really that good? ...what about me? Guess what? The world has sold you a lie. Her success doesn’t detract from yours. Her wins don’t...

 

 

  Been thinking much of our twins, Apple Marie and Banana Lee, this past month, as well as our Noelle. All our girls I miss so very much. I wish I could hold them in my arms and watch them grow up. Ten years ago was a really challenging time, as well as two years ago. Honestly this entire month is difficult emotionally for me. My entire body can feel it’s here and passing by, almost January, almost the dates when we received our girls ashes back in their urns, around the date of my birthday in about one week. Everything still feels unreal. Like a dream that one day I’ll wake up from... From my Facebook Page, Fruit Of The Womb Angels. " Fruit Of The Womb Angels December 30, 2018    ·  On the anniversary of the day our twins were born sleeping we received this ornament from Shutterfly, photo taken by Serendipity Photography . Such a meaningful gift we received with this remembrance photograph, and now a cherished keepsake. Remembering our precious daughters Apple Marie...

  If you’re wondering the multiple thoughts going through my mind… This, is one of them. Missing our baby girl, our beautiful little peanut, our Noelle. From my Facebook Page, Holding onto Hope. December 30th, 2020. " Today was triggering going back for my first postpartum appointment. ...Seeing the hospital, looking at the entrance we used when we arrived to give birth. Seeing the entrance to the pediatric side of the hospital where our son came in to meet his sister, and where we left when discharged. Pulling down the road towards the office I went to for the last month for appointments, walking in and seeing the nurse who I got to know and one of the midwives... Everything was an emotional trigger today. And I know there will be days like this. I cried, a lot, and that’s ok. What I’m thankful most for is the care I’ve received while there. These people truly are the most compassionate and caring. I never doubted I was in good hands. If you ever wonder where to go or who to see ...

Easier to say than to do at times..  

I really hope so. Until then, I remain hopeful and dreaming of our rainbow.  

  Photo of myself today. I’m not necessarily happy how I’ve shrunk a little, less appetite for months due to grief and medication isn’t fun. However I am grateful that I can fit into a smaller size of clothes and feel a little better about myself. My goal for this next year is focus on my health, more gratitude, more giving, more time with loved ones. May you have a peaceful and gentle holiday season, and hoping this new year brings you some joy. Take care of yourself, if you need a person to reach out to, I’m here to listen. Happy Holidays!

 

 

  Dear Noelle, Today was your birthday, you would have been two years old. You were in my thoughts all day long, I miss you more than words can say. I hope to celebrate your memory tomorrow with your dad and brother, Bond; by looking at photos, holding our memory bears, and lighting your candle. Today I actually was quite busy. The school your brother attends was having a lot of fun winter activities, and your mom volunteered almost all day. In fact this entire week there was not one day that I didn’t have at least five things on my calendar. You, and your identical twin sisters (that you never met because it was before your brother was born) have been on my mind and heart for months now, every day. I also made sure to finally take care of myself. See the doctor and get some medicine to help my brain from not over stressing. After we lost you we also lost many other family members. It’s been a rough last two years. Noelle, you were one of the most incredible, beautiful little babie...

 

 

 Reminder, especially for the holidays. 

 

 

 

  Oh the masks we wear and the smiles we paint on our faces… It has felt like the longest last several months. Grief is hard and I’m still mourning. On top of it all I’m also currently sick, and resting as much as I’m able.

 

 

  Been awhile since I shared a fuller photo of myself, so here I am. Almost 42 years old, one month left to go. Taking life one day at a time and trying my best while navigating waters I’ve never been through before. Words can not fully express how thankful I am for the support I have received. No one should have to walk this journey alone. Mental health is so important. If you need someone to reach out to over the holidays, or any time, I’m here. Please be gentle with yourself, and take time just for you. If family gatherings are too much remember that it is ok to not attend, walk out of the room, or leave. Putting yourself in a situation that is going to be upsetting or toxic, is not necessary for another person’s happiness. Do what is best for you. Take care friends, and may these holidays be peaceful.

 

  Photo edited from my Picsart app. Seems like to be a popular way to express yourself right now on social media… Been thinking of my first huge child loss, ten years ago, our Apple Marie and Banana Lee. I have memorial tattoos I got about 9.5 years ago, an apple and banana with snow flakes. This December 9th and 10th, will be ten years since they each died. After last week’s doctor follow up appointment, I decided to try what the doctor suggested, began a second medication to help even out the emotional flatness I’ve been having. Hoping it helps however I can already tell I feel different. Here is to hope that I begin to feel like me again.

 Something to remember. 

  What I'm trying my best to do...

 

  “I’ll stare directly at the sun but never at the mirror. It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero..” -Tylor Swift, from the song Anti-Hero. This is what depression, anxiety, stress, PTSD, grief, feels like for me. https://youtu.be/b1kbLwvqugk

  It’s been a long time since I had stabbing spasms of pain all night. I just wish it would have been any other night… So tired, still having spasms, just want to sleep. Flip-side, I’m grateful and thankful to still be here on this earth with my family and friends. This will be a memorable day. Hoping you all have a peaceful and comforting thanksgiving.

I feel like I certainly have over this last month.   

  I’ve reached a point in my journey with medication, that my memory is at its worst. The last few days I have moments where I was going to do something, start to do it, and then completely forget what I was doing. Happened twice yesterday, so frustrating. I also haven’t remembered what it was each time. Feels like a miracle when my thoughts are racing and I get on a tangent, that I am able to get to the original point of my story. Still hoping this all helps me and I feel more like myself eventually.

  It’s been weeks since I began this new journey I’m on, medication to help me feel more like myself again. I see it as more a tool to help me, while I’m waiting to see a psychiatrist and another counselor, when able. I still see my grief counselor weekly and wish I wouldn’t have waited so long to return to sessions. There was a difficulty with my insurance billing, so I waited as long as I could. I’m grateful for the support I have continued to receive and groups I’ve attended. This has been a learning experience and I hope that eventually I’ll feel like myself again.

What helps guide me is my hope.  

 So much truth here. 

 

 

  Feeling like my mind is racing today, executor duties, and so I’m busy. Washed my hair and let it air dry overnight, low and slow process that actually makes my hair look like it’s healthy and full of life in the morning. Feel like I need to do this more often however the days are long and I don’t have a lot of time. I’m doing neutrally-ok these days. Still not much feeling-emotion, the anxiety, racing thoughts, active imagination, and worry remain, mostly.. I did have a moment a few days ago where I thought I could cry, however a single tear that welted up and didn’t go anywhere happened instead. The heart racing and anxiety, still present. Yesterday was the last evening of one of my weekly grief groups. I was reminded that it has been 10 weeks since the group first began. Being that I missed the first night due to my mother’s memorial, it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that 10 weeks ago I said goodbye graveside to my mother. After the memorial I began to lose my ...