I don’t have a clear vision in my mind for how I’d like this post to begin. Four days ago I began taking some medication to hopefully help me feel more like myself again. Today I’m feeling like an emotional zombie. Like I’m numb inside, hollow. Not feeling a lot and disconnected. I still have some anxiety however at least I’m not crying anymore. I also still have some triggering moments or day-nightmare-dreams, but my heart isn’t racing nearly as much as it was before. …This is going to take some getting used to. I am not sleeping well either. First two nights, the next morning I was still feeling exhausted and sleepy. Then last night I just had the worst time sleeping and couldn’t nap or rest all day. My appetite has gone from barely being able to eat, to I have no sensation of hunger. Try not to worry though, I’m doing what I can to take care of myself.
I know it’s just my brain telling me to worry, when I actually shouldn’t, however putting yourself out there for all to hear and see how you’re doing, is full of emotion. Will people gossip about you? People you don’t know approach you and ask with concern, “how are you feeling?” or ask personal questions about you and you didn’t talk to them directly. Social media makes privacy more a thing of the past, especially when you put it out there publicly for all to see. There is a lot of trust happening right now when I share with others, and believe it or not, it’s come back to bite me in the past, so perhaps you can understand my feelings to be cautious. It’s like I’ve been hardwired my entire life to seek approval, not feeling worthy enough, judgement from others is taken more personally as I haven’t handled criticisms well. Better in the present than in the past. Those feelings tell me it’s anxiety… I know I’m worthy and I’m not going anywhere, which is why I’m talking about how I...
Oh the masks we wear and the smiles we paint on our faces… It has felt like the longest last several months. Grief is hard and I’m still mourning. On top of it all I’m also currently sick, and resting as much as I’m able.
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