Wondering eyes... November 9th, 2022.

 If you see me looking a little like this when you see me in person, wondering off into the distance with my eyes, and seeming like I'm lost or searching for an answer; it is because I've been experiencing too much over the last two years.

It has felt like a week ago that I last wrote an update with how I've been doing. The first few days I went between feeling overly exhausted each morning due to being tired, to feeling overly tired each morning due to insomnia.

And then last Thursday arrived, I felt hollow, emotionally empty inside, however at least I could still talk about what I was thinking. Friday I began to feel even less like myself, the well had run dry, so to speak, and I couldn't express most of my emotions. Of course I could fake a smile, still talk, however it wasn't everything I wanted. I wanted to feel more like myself again and was worried.

Saturday was a blur, the front of my head ached occasionally, it was even more exhausting to talk, my entire body was drained. And even though it may seem to others like I took a turn for the good by Sunday, ability to have a little more energy and able to talk more, it still felt absolutely exhausting.

The last two days have been about the same. I have some activities I can do again, however it takes a lot more out of me than I feel it should. I am hopeful that I am able to maintain my emotions this week and that I don't get too tired from overworking myself.

New things I've experienced, brain blur (my mind wonders and it doesn't seem to matter on when it happens), occasions where I can't focus at all, and moments where I feel extra focused. I don't know what the brain aching is about, perhaps because this medication is something new I've introduced to my body and I'm sensitive to change.

Doing what I can to relax and calm the anxiety. I wish I could cry, or not feel like an emotional-robot... I also used the words emotional-zombie last week too... Just want to feel, anything, and not just hollow. Things take time, I'm telling myself all that is needed is time. And with that said, writing all this took a lot out of me, it is easier to write than it is to say anything out loud.

If you want a preview of what touched my soul this week on the radio while I was driving, listen to Lift Me Up by Rihanna. You can watch the video here : https://youtu.be/Mx_OexsUI2M . Perhaps this can help you understand a little of what I've been feeling. Because support from my loved ones and friends, means so much to me right now.